THE HAMMER EEEECCCHS

Now, I'm not a golfer or anything, and I only know what I've seen from watching it on tv, but this seems like the opposite of the way golf is played professionally. I'm pretty sure this guy's etiquette is all wrong too. Can you imagine him strolling into a posh country club, stepping up to the tee, talking a swing and howling like some kind of barbarian? Actually, that would be kind of rad, but I'm sure that kind of behavior is frowned upon.
I also enjoy how the video subtlety claims you can hit a golf ball into space.

Ladies Man

As you might have heard, Bill Clinton was able to get Korea to pardon two jailed American Females. I believe the image above is a true representation of how it went down.

REAL STORY

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090804/ap_on_re_as/as_nkorea_journalists_held

Give These People Air!

California is stuck with a mounting budget deficit. Revenues are down. Governor Schwarzenegger and legislators are wrangling over spending cuts. Deficits are likely to persist, and the state's economy shows no signs of a rebound. So, I figured I'd pitch in and offer my suggestions for strategies that Governor Schwarzenegger can utilize to get California back on track. Please note, having nearly no knowledge of how state legislation works I referred to the Governor's other body of work...his movies.
*UPDATE* Mark had a better suggestion for number 8. Does anyone else have any suggestions for the Governor? Send them in!

1. Instead of slashing the budget he should freeze it with liquid nitrogen and shoot it.
2. Instead of slashing the budget he should throw a pipe through it and tell it to let off some steam.
3. He could put the budget on a missile and shoot it through a building into a helicopter full of other budgets.
4. He should get irrationally angry at the budget and shake it like a baby that wont stop crying.
5. He should dress up as Turbo Man, feed the budget to a reindeer, and then punch said reindeer in the face.
6. He should use a chainsaw to cut the budget in two and remark that it "had to split.''
7. In the middle of some epic lovemaking, Arnold's beautiful budget turns into a vicious snake. He strangles it and tosses it in a fire.
8. He should slather himself in mud and crawl around the jungle, using himself as bait for the unbalanced budget. Then, just as the unbalanced budget figures out it's being lured into a trap, Gov. Schwarzenegger would start screaming, "COME ON! KILL ME! I'm here! Kill me! I'm here! Kill me! Come on! Kill me! I'm here! Come on! Do it now! Kill me!
9. He should use a magic movie ticket to travel to a world of gunfights and car chases and steal a balanced budget.
10. Tell the budget to get it's ass to Mars.

Lost in Translation

This is pure genius. The idea is to take actual written testimonials/reviews and act them out on video. Somehow, this guy, is exactly who I picture when I think of every review ever written that sounds like this. Seriously, if you are bored sometime and want a good laugh, scope out some official reviews posted about various restaurants or hotels. There are some very educated individuals out there.

To Me That's Pretty Unsavory. Am I Being Overly Sensitive?

So, the other night we had a storm moving through our area. Since I was heading to bed, I figured I'd check the Weather Channel radar just in case. They have this neat future-scan feature, which shows the projected path of weather systems. I clicked it and obviously the Weather Channel thought I was looking for...something else. I managed to save a screenshot and have circled the element I'm talking about.

I place the blame squarely on Al Gore's shoulders for our storms now popping totally rad boners. An Inconvenient Truth? More like An Uncomfortable Truth. Or An Inconvenient Erection. Has the weather gone XXX? Naw, couldn't be. I'm sure nothing like this has ever happened before...

Damn it.

Two Scoops of Wackiness!

I'm all for knock-offs, but I stumbled across this little gem and had myself a nice little laugh. This little insanity-bred corn flake isn't only toting around a bucket of rabbit turds, but he seems excited to do so. And, unless the name "Raisin Bran" isn't trademarked, I guess originality wasn't even considered for the products name. Me? I'd call it "Crazy Shitz." It works on all sorts of levels.

SPOILER ALERT: It's because it makes you poop!

A Loose Interpretation



You know those videos or movies that are over before you know it, and you're like, "Wow, that was 3 hours long!? It felt like an hour!"

Well, this is an example of the complete opposite.

Accurate History

This is a slice of history that, as absurd as it may be, I would to use in a class room. Unfortunately it contains adult language and is prohibited from such places of learning. However, I feel it portrays one of the most accurate portraits of our nations first president, and first real hero. Given the current times, I feel that this representation more than appropriate, but required. Enjoy.

Bass Hole

If you listen closely, this guy very clearly describes how to make a fart sandwich. Now let's say you're odd enough to think up something like this. Most people would dismiss it and say, "Wow, I'm glad people can't see into my mind sometimes!" Not this guy -- he put it right out there for everybody and their dog to see. Good for you, mister! Bully!

You'll Log

Well, if this doesn't say "Merry Christmas", I don't know what will.

This is the sound of a record scratch as the music stops and, in the corner, someone vomits.

I wasn't sure what was going on at first but the last three minutes took me on a heart-pumping thrill-ride! I'm speechless. What do you think? Will he beat the odds?

There is a disturbing amount of panning and zooming for something filmed only by the man being filmed.

Another Inside Joke

Another episode in a series of videos featuring Eliot eating food. It's guaranteed, if you have a camera on, Eliot will eat food in front of it. TO UNCOMFORTABLE DEGREES.

Thems Bigfoots is FRIENDLY!

If you've ever wondered, as I have, what happened to that creepy Bigfoot-thing from that shaky home movie of the 60's ... well, I've got your answer right here. Looks like he's turned into a fart sandwich.

Good Game Internets, You Win

Zune ad. This might be borderline NSFW, so please view responsibly.

I just...I just don't know. Why!? My eyes are burning. This is more like a Fart Double Decker Sandwich. I dare you to watch the whole thing.

Whomever made this video should be not allowed to, well, to do anything, ever. Ironiclly this probably represents the quality of a Zune quite well.

Now excuse me while I barf up my Thanksgiving left overs.

NOTE: This video contains disturbing images.

A Battle Hymn For Children

Ever meet someone, and start talking, and start chatting for a bit and then a little more and you're like, "wow this person is pretty co.. oh crap this guys a effing weirdo" That thing that happens, that point, its like finding child porn on someones computer, that one thing that makes you entirely rethink your attitude towards the other human being. Here's a couple show-stoppers for me:

Knives
Having a knife is good, a good blade to cut open letters or perhaps just throw at that tree outside. That's fun. However, those gun-show DRAGON SLAYER X-1 multi-barbed pieces, or the kind where someone you don't know well enough whips it out in your face and goes, "YEAH MAN I'M ALWAYS READY TO GET MUGGED." Whenever I see that my brain just ticks off-"Insecure, possibly unstable"

Guns
Anytime anyone has more than six guns that they don't know a whole lot about my brain starts thinking about their inner child being instead an insane Howard Hughes style recluse in the Nevada desert with human organs in their double-wides refrigerator. Which reminds me...

Refrigerators with Only Condiments
I never trust someone who has a full pantry but nothing to eat.

Gobble Gobble?

Okay, I can honestly say I know nothing about Sarah Palin, and she seems like a really nice lady and all, but maybe not the sharpest tool in the shed when in the spotlight. See if you notice anything a little bizarre about the location of this interview. Maybe PETA hasn't seen this video yet and she'll be alright. Either way, she has just prepared a delicious fart sandwich for herself. I'm sure the guy in the background thinks he'll stay invisible to the camera as long as he doesn't make any sudden movements, much like that of a T-Rex in Jurrasic Park. If he stays just still enough, the camera...ah SHIT! They saw me. I predict SNL will spoof this.

The Resolution

How do you feel about horses? Would you say you love them? Out of all the animals, would you consider them the best?

When a series of children's magazines were launched for horse-mad girls, the advertisers couldn't have guessed just how catchy their jingle would become. The simple song promoting the magazines goes: "I love horses Best of all the animals I love horses They’re my friends."

You can hear the original on the magazine's website. Go listen, I'll wait here.

Done? Told you it was catchy. Now since fartsandwich is a unbiased blog, it would only be fair to show the counterpoint or flip side to this story. You see, not everyone loves horses. In fact, some people hate horses and would go so far as to say that they are the worst of all animals.

The most vocal of these individuals can be found at this blog. I will warn you though, his views are quite blunt.

Boys Will Be Boys

This story all sorts of scares the shit out of me. What the hell is wrong with kids nowadays!!?

FORT PIERCE — An 11-year-old boy accused of hitting his mother in the head with a saw before offering her $5 not to call police is facing an aggravated battery charge, according to a St. Lucie County Sheriff's Office report released Thursday.

The altercation happened Wednesday morning in the 1700 block of Wyoming Avenue after the boy and his 41-year-old mother argued as she tried to get him to take his medication. Following the argument, the boy bicycled to the Wyoming Avenue address, where he apparently started hitting a tree with a saw.

The mother followed him, but he still wouldn't take the medicine. He raised the saw and hit his mother, who had a minor laceration, on top of her head.

"When he saw the blood coming from her head he threw down the saw and started to plead with the victim to not call the police," the report states.

He reportedly offered a $5 bill to his mother if she didn't notify authorities.

The victim's pregnant 19-year-old daughter said the boy has tried to cut her stomach with a fork, claiming he was going to give her a "C-section."

She also said he tried to use hairspray and a cigarette lighter as a torch to set the family cat ablaze. The 19-year-old daughter's husband said he found him looking up bomb-making instructions on the Internet.

The boy repeatedly apologized to his mother and said he struck her with the saw by accident.

You're Doing It Wrong

Don't ever make eye contact! That's NOT how you do it.

Whoa Don't Eff With Silver

Stan Jones (born January 13, 1943) is a Libertarian Party politician.

Jones developed argyria, which permanently turned his skin a blue-grey color, by consuming home-made colloidal silver, which he made due to fears the Y2K problem would make antibiotics unavailable.

Jones continues to promote the use of colloidal silver as a home remedy.

This guy did what? He made some kind of homebrew antibody cocktail in his basement to fortify himself for the apocolypse that never came? What's the deal with, what was it, colloidal silver?

Prior to 1938, colloidal silver was widely promoted as a "cure-all", and silver products were prescribed by physicians as topical antibiotics. However, with the development of more effective, less expensive antibiotics such as penicillin and sulfanilamide, medical use of colloidal silver ceased. From approximately 1990, there has been a resurgence of the promotion of colloidal silver as an alternative medicine treatment, marketed with claims that it can prevent or treat numerous diseases.

Colloidal silver products are legally available at health food stores in the United States and Australia and are marketed over the Internet as a dietary supplement. It is illegal in the U.S. and Australia for marketers to make claims of medical effectiveness for colloidal silver, but some websites still list its use for the prevention of colds and flu, and the treatment of more serious conditions such as diabetes, cancer, chronic fatigue syndrome, HIV/AIDS, and tuberculosis, among other diseases. Colloidal silver has been found to lack any antimicrobial effect, and there is no medical evidence that colloidal silver is effective for any of these claimed indications. Silver is not an essential mineral in humans; there is no dietary requirement for silver, and no such thing as a silver "deficiency".

What about the condition that turned his skin blue? Argyria?

Excessive intake of silver products may result in a condition known as argyria, one symptom of which is blue or gray discoloration of the skin. The discoloration occurs when silver is deposited in the skin and then darkened by sunlight, just as silver particles in photographic film darken when exposed to sunlight. Localized argyria can occur as a result of topical use of silver-containing remedies, while generalized argyria results from the ingestion of colloidal silver. Arygria is usually permanent, and there is no known effective treatment. While argyria is usually benign and limited to skin discoloration, there are isolated reports of more serious neurologic, renal, or hepatic complications.