You'll Log

Well, if this doesn't say "Merry Christmas", I don't know what will.

This is the sound of a record scratch as the music stops and, in the corner, someone vomits.

I wasn't sure what was going on at first but the last three minutes took me on a heart-pumping thrill-ride! I'm speechless. What do you think? Will he beat the odds?

There is a disturbing amount of panning and zooming for something filmed only by the man being filmed.

Another Inside Joke

Another episode in a series of videos featuring Eliot eating food. It's guaranteed, if you have a camera on, Eliot will eat food in front of it. TO UNCOMFORTABLE DEGREES.

Thems Bigfoots is FRIENDLY!

If you've ever wondered, as I have, what happened to that creepy Bigfoot-thing from that shaky home movie of the 60's ... well, I've got your answer right here. Looks like he's turned into a fart sandwich.

Good Game Internets, You Win

Zune ad. This might be borderline NSFW, so please view responsibly.

I just...I just don't know. Why!? My eyes are burning. This is more like a Fart Double Decker Sandwich. I dare you to watch the whole thing.

Whomever made this video should be not allowed to, well, to do anything, ever. Ironiclly this probably represents the quality of a Zune quite well.

Now excuse me while I barf up my Thanksgiving left overs.

NOTE: This video contains disturbing images.

A Battle Hymn For Children

Ever meet someone, and start talking, and start chatting for a bit and then a little more and you're like, "wow this person is pretty co.. oh crap this guys a effing weirdo" That thing that happens, that point, its like finding child porn on someones computer, that one thing that makes you entirely rethink your attitude towards the other human being. Here's a couple show-stoppers for me:

Knives
Having a knife is good, a good blade to cut open letters or perhaps just throw at that tree outside. That's fun. However, those gun-show DRAGON SLAYER X-1 multi-barbed pieces, or the kind where someone you don't know well enough whips it out in your face and goes, "YEAH MAN I'M ALWAYS READY TO GET MUGGED." Whenever I see that my brain just ticks off-"Insecure, possibly unstable"

Guns
Anytime anyone has more than six guns that they don't know a whole lot about my brain starts thinking about their inner child being instead an insane Howard Hughes style recluse in the Nevada desert with human organs in their double-wides refrigerator. Which reminds me...

Refrigerators with Only Condiments
I never trust someone who has a full pantry but nothing to eat.

Gobble Gobble?

Okay, I can honestly say I know nothing about Sarah Palin, and she seems like a really nice lady and all, but maybe not the sharpest tool in the shed when in the spotlight. See if you notice anything a little bizarre about the location of this interview. Maybe PETA hasn't seen this video yet and she'll be alright. Either way, she has just prepared a delicious fart sandwich for herself. I'm sure the guy in the background thinks he'll stay invisible to the camera as long as he doesn't make any sudden movements, much like that of a T-Rex in Jurrasic Park. If he stays just still enough, the camera...ah SHIT! They saw me. I predict SNL will spoof this.

The Resolution

How do you feel about horses? Would you say you love them? Out of all the animals, would you consider them the best?

When a series of children's magazines were launched for horse-mad girls, the advertisers couldn't have guessed just how catchy their jingle would become. The simple song promoting the magazines goes: "I love horses Best of all the animals I love horses They’re my friends."

You can hear the original on the magazine's website. Go listen, I'll wait here.

Done? Told you it was catchy. Now since fartsandwich is a unbiased blog, it would only be fair to show the counterpoint or flip side to this story. You see, not everyone loves horses. In fact, some people hate horses and would go so far as to say that they are the worst of all animals.

The most vocal of these individuals can be found at this blog. I will warn you though, his views are quite blunt.

Boys Will Be Boys

This story all sorts of scares the shit out of me. What the hell is wrong with kids nowadays!!?

FORT PIERCE — An 11-year-old boy accused of hitting his mother in the head with a saw before offering her $5 not to call police is facing an aggravated battery charge, according to a St. Lucie County Sheriff's Office report released Thursday.

The altercation happened Wednesday morning in the 1700 block of Wyoming Avenue after the boy and his 41-year-old mother argued as she tried to get him to take his medication. Following the argument, the boy bicycled to the Wyoming Avenue address, where he apparently started hitting a tree with a saw.

The mother followed him, but he still wouldn't take the medicine. He raised the saw and hit his mother, who had a minor laceration, on top of her head.

"When he saw the blood coming from her head he threw down the saw and started to plead with the victim to not call the police," the report states.

He reportedly offered a $5 bill to his mother if she didn't notify authorities.

The victim's pregnant 19-year-old daughter said the boy has tried to cut her stomach with a fork, claiming he was going to give her a "C-section."

She also said he tried to use hairspray and a cigarette lighter as a torch to set the family cat ablaze. The 19-year-old daughter's husband said he found him looking up bomb-making instructions on the Internet.

The boy repeatedly apologized to his mother and said he struck her with the saw by accident.

You're Doing It Wrong

Don't ever make eye contact! That's NOT how you do it.

Whoa Don't Eff With Silver

Stan Jones (born January 13, 1943) is a Libertarian Party politician.

Jones developed argyria, which permanently turned his skin a blue-grey color, by consuming home-made colloidal silver, which he made due to fears the Y2K problem would make antibiotics unavailable.

Jones continues to promote the use of colloidal silver as a home remedy.

This guy did what? He made some kind of homebrew antibody cocktail in his basement to fortify himself for the apocolypse that never came? What's the deal with, what was it, colloidal silver?

Prior to 1938, colloidal silver was widely promoted as a "cure-all", and silver products were prescribed by physicians as topical antibiotics. However, with the development of more effective, less expensive antibiotics such as penicillin and sulfanilamide, medical use of colloidal silver ceased. From approximately 1990, there has been a resurgence of the promotion of colloidal silver as an alternative medicine treatment, marketed with claims that it can prevent or treat numerous diseases.

Colloidal silver products are legally available at health food stores in the United States and Australia and are marketed over the Internet as a dietary supplement. It is illegal in the U.S. and Australia for marketers to make claims of medical effectiveness for colloidal silver, but some websites still list its use for the prevention of colds and flu, and the treatment of more serious conditions such as diabetes, cancer, chronic fatigue syndrome, HIV/AIDS, and tuberculosis, among other diseases. Colloidal silver has been found to lack any antimicrobial effect, and there is no medical evidence that colloidal silver is effective for any of these claimed indications. Silver is not an essential mineral in humans; there is no dietary requirement for silver, and no such thing as a silver "deficiency".

What about the condition that turned his skin blue? Argyria?

Excessive intake of silver products may result in a condition known as argyria, one symptom of which is blue or gray discoloration of the skin. The discoloration occurs when silver is deposited in the skin and then darkened by sunlight, just as silver particles in photographic film darken when exposed to sunlight. Localized argyria can occur as a result of topical use of silver-containing remedies, while generalized argyria results from the ingestion of colloidal silver. Arygria is usually permanent, and there is no known effective treatment. While argyria is usually benign and limited to skin discoloration, there are isolated reports of more serious neurologic, renal, or hepatic complications.

Collision Course With Wackiness

The new movie, "Punisher: War Zone" is very close! Who's excited!?

Me neither.

It's going to be over-the-top violence the entire time from the looks of it. So, to prove that you are desensitized beyond help, I removed the heavy metal soundtrack from the trailer, and replaced it with, well, something even better. Watch as some of the Punisher's most violent kills are timed to the wonderful sounds of wacky. Especially look for the kill at the very end. Classic.

Watch and enjoy!

NOTE: This video contains violent and disturbing images.

Priceless Wisdom

Sit back, relax, and let the wisdom fill your hearts and minds as Mark gives us a profound insight into the world of "nature."
NOTE: This video contains adult language.

FAIL

This might as well be what I saw over the noon hour. Hunters take great pride in their kills in this area. So much that they like to display their carcasses by roping them to their vehicles and letting them rot in the parking lot of say, a Burger King. Mmmm, just what I want to look at while I enjoy a Whopper. There might as well be a Jaguar on bricks parked out front with a bunch of mullet kids running around it playing kiss your sister on the mouth.

As Worthless as Baltic Ave

As if there weren't enough turds floating out of Hollywood lately, Movieweb has just reported that "Monopoly: The Movie" has just been greenlit and is getting visionary director, Ridley Scott.

Really? It's said to be in the future and..NOBODY GIVES A SHIT. Movies off of boardgames, great.

I have a prediction. Since nobody actually ever finishes a game of Monopoly because 4 hours in you just want to throw the board and start taking shots out of the thimble, the movie will be made in a similar fashion. I'm sure it will be 3 hours long and have a 4 hour director's cut. I'm sure however plenty of people will take a big ol' bite out of this fart sandwich.

If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It

After looking at this picture for awhile and thinking about it over a bowl of mac 'n cheese, I can see some very subtle messages the ad was trying to point out:

1. Ducktails poster and Chip and Dale playing on the screen: Both are Disney products, both are kid friendly and something parents wouldn't be too worried about
2. Code Name: Viper poster: But don't worry, Nintendo and Capcom offer up bad ass violent games that will offer up action to those that feel they are too old for "kiddy games"
3. Model Aircraft and the wheel of the model car: Nintendo and Capcom has something to offer everyone's interest, flying games and racing games.
4. Baseball Trophy: Hey, we don't want you to spend all day playing our slick, awesome games! Get out there and play sports... because everyone knows when you play Nintendo you become much better at real sports!
5. Nintendo Power mag: Guess what! Nintendo has magazines that will help you become a master! You heard me, A EFFING CRACKERJACK!
6. Strider box: We also have arcade classics! Why waste money going to your local arcade where strange men would come up to you and offer you money to "help them with something in the bathroom" where in the safety of your own home you can play the same games and not get molested*
   
   *Not responsible for any molesting that may occur by family members
   
7. Plan white walls vs Bright ass 80's clothing: Hey, why live and play in a dull, colorless world? With Nintendo and Capcom you are breaking that boring world! Playing in awesome 8-bit color your telling the world "Hey, back off world, I'M PLAYING WITH POWER!"
8. The pencil book ends: Subliminal penis.

Learn This or Die

I've decided that my cats will need to learn how to do this to win over support from the landlord community in my town of Aberdeen. If my cats could pinch bricks into a toilet bowl, I might not have to be so accustomed to living in one of the many Aberdonian shitholes that are provided to pet owners. I think dog owners get the shaft too, but my cat can't grow to the size of a horse either.

I always imagine with my discussions with landlords that the reason the second I mention "cat" they turn into raging ignorant buttholes is that they just had a tennent with a dog the size of Hurley from Lost that ran around and treated everything as it's own personal urinal/chew toy/whore. Maybe that's harsh, but it's what I think, and that's how I like to make my fart sandwich so there.

Becoming a Monster

This gentleman shares his strategy to keep his living quarters female friendly. He is obviously some kind of savant and I feel like he has something to teach the world. World, are you listening?

Note: This video contains adult language.

Can't Fight This Feeling

Apparently a fart sandwich can be described as either:

• A fart trapped between two turds; desperate to escape, the fart propels the first turd with intense velocity. Often gives the feeling of having the runs, however in most situations this is not the case.

OR

• Where one passes wind into the palms of their cupped hands, thereby trapping the odor, then releasing it into the face of an unsuspecting victim.
  

Well, this fart sandwich is something different entirely. Stay posted because this is but the mere precipice of what's to come.